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MizuBara
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Name: April
Location: Detroit, Michigan, United States
Gender: Female
Expertise: I can whip up a comforting meal, drink, or conversation, without much effort.
Occupation: I'm working on that.
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/12/2005
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| I'm really nervous about my first day at school, tomorrow. I feel like I didn't prepare. The last time I went to "school", it was a big ordeal. There was always before-school rituals and parts of it that you just got used to - like school shopping, the smell of the season changing, and worrying about what to wear. I'm just going. I don't need a new wardrobe, because I'm not getting taller and I don't care about impressing anyone. Also, the time of year is totally backwards.. everyone else is getting out of school, soon. It's just weird.
One thing that's really bothering me is that I keep worrying that I'll be out of place - that I'll stick out, because I didn't grow up with a mechanical background. Oh yeah, and I'm a female.. possibly the only one. While that's really nothing new, it still makes me anxious.
I'm worried that I bit off more than I could chew, with my schedule, as well. I'll be in school for roughly 24 hours per week, on top of working 35-40 hours, and volunteering Sunday mornings at church. What have I done? lol I know I *can* do it, I'm just worried that my ability to be truly present, wherever I am, will suffer.
I know worrying won't add a single day to my life.. but the end of my life is, hopefully, way down the road. Can't it at least add a few hours to each day? I hope these next few years are at least as enjoyable as they will be difficult! | | |
| I'm struck with a sudden case of insomnia, I guess. I just watched True Grit and Exit Through The Gift Shop. Maybe I'm just irritated, angry, bitter, insecure, and anxious. Yuck. It's time to refocus my focus..
I'm fascinated and inspired by the thought of becoming the characters I love. Lara Croft - not Angelina. Lara. She is so much better than the character brought to the big screen by some mega-actress. She's not distracted by men. She doesn't need to use her beauty, in order to succeed. It's merely a bonus to her already insanely potent arsenal. Lady Croft is my champion - the model by which I form my idea of what my pursuit of personal perfection should entail.
It is understandable how one could view a parent as subpar. My mother, in respect for her life, did not meet or exceed my expectations of myself. It's not a competition. I just want more for myself. I don't see the point in raising a family - in wasting the time, youth, and energy on such an extensive task. I greatly appreciate it, but I don't see the importance in it. I simply have too much to do, before I die.
I want to be a "perfect human" - like Nicklas Lidstom, a lethal weapon - like Lara Croft, a surprising and respectable force - like Mattie Ross.
I, I, I. Me, me, me. My, my, my. Ugh.
Bed. Goodnight. | | |
| I hate that I'm always missing SOMEone. I just want to be happy without feeling like it has to do with someone else. I don't want to be so attached, because life has taught me that I'll end up alone, regardless. After 30+ years, it's kind of hard to believe that it will ever work out. Probably I'm not meant to really connect with anyone else. I'm certainly going to try to quit wasting my time on people who don't seem to have time for me. I've been reading Into The Wild. I admire Chris McCandless' ability to stay away from and not need people. | | |
| How is it that someone who is obviously creative, passionate, kind, loving, respectful, able, intelligent, fun, beautiful, and so many other positive things can feel so inadequate, ashamed, guilt-ridden, unattractive, worthless, insignificant, annoying, pointless, and stupid? I'll tell you how. It's called invalidation.
If you ever are appointed to care for a child, do at least just that - care. Try to make sure that the other people in that child's life care, as well. If someone doesn't build that child up, the world/schoolmates/family may tear him or her down and damage their entire adult life. Just because you think that SOMEbody must be telling that child that they are worthy of being loved and respected, it doesn't mean that they are or that they are hearing it, enough. Be that person who is constantly reinforcing their dreams and telling them how amazing and able they are. | | |
| The only thing more difficult, confusing, and painful than not knowing where to go and what to do is knowing where to go and what to do.. when it leads you away from someone you love.
Silly as it is, I just finished watching the movie "The Ramen Girl". Other than for the obvious reason, (Japanese food), I just felt the need to see this movie, when I scrolled past it, on my Roku. My face is now swollen and I have a sinus headache, from crying so much.
I felt like I was watching my recent life, when she said goodbye to the guy she loved, because his job was taking him out of the country. He asked her to go, but she knew in her heart that it wasn't "her path". As badly as she wanted to be with him, she stayed. And that's not even the worst part. She suffered constant abuse from her Japanese teacher, as her patience and dedication were thoroughly tested. I have a feeling that my choice to stay is only the beginning of my difficult path, as well.
Becoming a motorcycle technician isn't, by any stretch of the imagination, the easiest task that I could have put myself to. I could have gone to a design academy to learn how to master sewing, (which I love), or even become a successful business manager. I'm very good at managing and organizing, as well as being diplomatic. It comes relatively easily to me. While I can pick up engine theory and even be taught about electrical circuits, I'm by no means a "gear head". However, God put a desire in my heart to venture down that rabbit hole. So, that's what I must do - pursue my path. No matter how difficult, nor how much I will surely be made fun of and tested, I have to persist.
(per·sist
/pərˈsist/
Verb: Continue firmly or obstinately in an opinion or a course of action in spite of difficulty, opposition, or failure.)
While I'm sure that it won't finish quite like a Hollywood-Tokyo motion picture, I know that God has a great plan for me and that it will be far more satisfying than any dream that I can come up with. I just hope that He remembers that I'm not always as spunky and forgivable as Brittany Murphy's character. Or maybe I am, and I just don't know it, yet... | | |
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